Hi Everybody.
One of the first times I remember hearing the song "I'll Fly Away" was after Mrs. Schutte's Grandfather (I think...) passed away. About 30 or so of the Schutte clan was up in Leadville and got up to sing in church--of course leaving about 30 of us sitting in the pews :o) (we don't have a really big church). If you've never had the chance to hear Mr and Mrs Schutte sing, you are really missing out and when you get to hear 30 of them sing, it'll bring tears to your eyes-it's so beautiful. But anyway--they got up and sang a good old Southern Gospel Version of "I'll Fly Away"--rejoicing that their loved one was in Heaven. I'll never forget that.
I know you are wondering where I'm going with this, but I hadn't felt Ady move since Saturday evening and was starting to get worried. Last night as I was in the shower the words of the song started going through my head;
(I'll Fly Away Words and Music by Alfred E. Brumley)
Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
So, that's what was going through my head.
I had gotten very depressed and worried suddenly on Tuesday--something I couldn't explain other than telling Josh, "I want to get another ultrasound just to see if she's getting better or worse". Wed night Paster preached on worry and how it doesn't need to conquer us--I talked to God confessing my worry, but I still had that feeling that "something's not right". So this morning I called the clinic and asked if I could come in and have someone listen for the heart, they told me to come in and when we got there they took me to ultrasound. The US tech kept the screen turned away from me but looked at it, looked at the nurse and just slightly shook her head. Then she turned the monitor to show me. Adyson's little heart had stopped.
Our precious little Ady has "flown away" to our Saviour's arms. I don't know that I'm rejoicing but in a way it's almost a relief. The last month and a half of waiting has been torture; Not knowing and just waiting. The dr. said I could wait (at the latest) till early next week to be induced to "deal with the shock and emotion of it" but we've been dealing with it for a while now, so I'd rather get it over with. So, first thing tomorrow morning (1/25) I will be induced. Pray for us- it's going to be a tough day. Now we have to deal with the loss, but I think so far it has been easier than when we found out we would lose her. Now there is no slight hope of seeing her alive here--but we have a sure hope of seeing her when we get to Heaven. For that I am very thankful. We will be traveling to CO on Wed to visit my parents for about 5 days, so pray for traveling mercy's and for no snowstorms on Wed or the following Tuesday. Forgive me if I don't get another post up soon.
Thank you for your prayers in the last few months and for the next few weeks and months as we deal with this loss.
Sarah
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12 comments:
Dear, precious ones... my heart is just breaking for you today. There are no words...
Love you so much. Wish we were there to just hold you. Know we're just holding you in prayer...
God bless you.
You are in my prayers... there are tears in my eyes, and I too, am hurting with and for you. Keep holding on to Jesus.
-A friend of Ashleigh's
Sarah,
I found your blog through Ashleigh's several weeks ago. I feel for you deeply. You are in my prayers. May He comfort you as only He can...
Love in Christ,
~Jen
In times like these I realize that I don’t know what to say
To comfort and encourage as you go along life’s way.
I struggle and meditate to try to understand
Just how it could be this happened exactly as He planned.
By faith I find the answer, though I don’t fully comprehend;
Our sovereign God is in control, though all seems out of hand.
In this I find encouragement and comfort through this strife:
That our gracious Lord will comfort and help carry on with life.
There will always be the memory and the questions of your child;
The longing just to hold her and to see a precious smile.
And in this time my heart aches too and offers up this prayer for you:
May this child we never knew, though she not one breath drew,
Be the tool that God will use to draw even just a few
To the great and precious gift He gives of eternal life anew.
- Stephen Baker
We Love You- Steve. Vickie. Charity. Stacie and Lindsey.
Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. May God continue to give you peace and comfort as you mourn your precious daughter.
I've been praying for your family since Ashleigh linked to you a while back. May you find grace and peace through Christ during this difficult time.
So so so sorry -- just 'sorry' sounds so pat, there are no words I can use to comfort you...I will pray that our Savior wraps His arms around you both and comforts you as no mortal can...and, as David said, though she cannot come back to you, you shall go to her...God bless you both...
I am so sorry, my heart is just breaking. Praying and praying for you dear sweet little family.
Dearest Sarah...
I am reading over the words of your heart the last few weeks, and my heart is relating right alongside of yours, as I too, gave a little girl right back to Heaven, after she was diagnosed with the EXACT same things as Ady. Hope (our little girl, whose name we had chosen long before we knew she was a girl OR that she would represent "hope" to us in such a real way through her illness). When I was 20 weeks or so we went in for our ultrasound, so happy and expectant as first time parents. When the Ultrasound tech got quieter & quieter, and when I saw tears running down her checks, I knew something was terribly wrong. And indeed, it was. We saw exactly what you did on your ultrasound...the Cystic Hygroma..and we certainly got an education about that and Turner's Syndrome. They encouraged us (ever so slightly) to 'terminate' the pregnancy right then and there, as there was absolutely no chance she would live. After a night of sobbing and questioning, etc, we decided that there would be less regret if we just waited on the Lord and carry her until He takes or home-OR dare we hope? Heal her little frame.
Through the next three or four weeks, I felt her little kicks get stronger and stronger to where, one night as I was listening to a song by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir (a favorite)I just broke down in tears and for the first time, allowed myself to hope and believe that my God was bigger than the doctor's diagnosis.
I'm still glad I came to that point, becuase it was the beginning (for me) of living through the pain...and experiencing the fullness of life in a time of deep hurt and disappointment.
Valentines Day 2003...that night I did not feel her move. I just knew. I knew it. And I was right, as the next morning I had an Amniosyntisis (sp?) scheduled, and when they brought up the screen, there was no heartbeat.
Tears. And the option to go home and wait until my body kicked in...but no, I just wanted the whole ordeal over with. And so I was admitted and gave a joyless birth the next day.
Leaving the hospital was the worst. I had done what every other woman had done there...given birth, been hooked up to everything,etc...and yet I was leaving with nothing. And there goes a 15 year old teenager with her new baby and boyfriend...as though they had just left the toy store with a new doll...sometimes the unfairness of it all was just maddening. Even when good friends that would get pregnant soon after, those 'happy announcements' would leave me fighting jealously and bitterness.
And yet, I could tell you a few very special and heavenly happenings that clued me into God's love and compassion for me during that time, that would bring such comfort and PURPOSE to our situation.
I always liked when people acknowleged our little girl by name and her presence, albeit brief, in our lives. And so I want you to know that 1.) You are a mom...that title is yours through & through, even though your daily duties are terribly less than you hoped they would be. 2.) Ady will ALWAYS be a tremendous part of you & your husband. If you allow her Heavenly Father to, He will show you extra-special things that parents of earthly children cannot fully understand (simply because they haven't given a child to Heaven) and 3.) You did not "lose" Ady and she is more radiantly alive than even you are. She will absolutely know you the moment our time & space line up! Heaven becomes so much more real and desireable through times like this, doesn't it????
In any case, I apologize for writing so much on a blog, but my heart was bursting as I'm reading your words that so mirrored mine. My blog is thecoffeecottage.blogspot.com or my email is jnicolemiller@hotmail.com.
PLEASE feel free to write anytime...and if you want to, I'd be so happy to listen to your story with perhaps a better understand than most. Feel free to give me your number. If you do not feel like writing, I completely understand that too. Some mornings it is enough to get out of bed.
While we lives states apart and have had no clue of each other's existance up until today, the wonder of it all is that we have the same Papa (Father) who made us, and knows us, and connects the dots for us in large & mysterious ways. Praise Him for that.
I am so sorry for the hurt you are feelng.
With Love,
Jeane` (Ja-nay) Miller
praying for you. (((hugs)))
My heart is hurting for you.
I found your blog through Ashleigh's blog. You don't know me, but I just want to let you know that I am so, so, so sorry about your little girl and that I am praying for you. May you know God's love more than ever before at this time.
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